Is this feedback this mine … or theirs?

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received about feedback was this: Ask yourself: “Is this mine … or theirs?”

Because often, what sounds like feedback is really just projected insecurity. And it's an invisible killer of trust and psychological safety in teams.

Examples I've heard:

“You’re always speaking up too much in meetings.”

(Translation: I wish I had the courage to contribute, but I’m afraid of looking foolish.)

“You’re too ambitious, slow down.”

(Translation: Your drive makes me insecure about my own stagnation.)

“You shouldn’t ask so many questions, it makes you look unprepared.”

(Translation: I hold back my own questions out of fear, so I project that onto you.)

When feedback feels like judgement of our character, it often says more about the giver than the receiver. When it’s focused on making your work better, that’s when it’s worth keeping.

And if you’re a leader, pause first before you offer feedback. Ask: “Will this help them, or just help me?”

If it’s the latter, try what the Stoics recommend: recite the alphabet first. 99% of the time, the urge to offer criticism in the form of feedback passes.

Then focus on what can make the work better and invite ideas, not just provide prescriptions.

Want fresh ways to tackle your toughest challenges?

That’s The Clear Cut. Three ideas. Emailed once a week. Problems made easier. Enter your details below to get it.