Why we can accept losing, but not being shut out

People don’t need to win every argument or get their way in every meeting. What they need is to feel the door wasn’t locked before they walked in.

Decisions within teams are inevitable when solving a big challenge or finding a path to achieve more. Some ideas move forward, others don’t. We all know this.

What makes decisions stick researchers have found isn't keeping everyone happy, it's how we contribute to the process. When we feel genuinely seen and heard, we feel safe to accept a decision and be part of a group.

When we feel excluded, the story changes. Now it feels like the game was rigged, like decisions were handed down instead of shaped together. And that freaks us out. Particularly when we are jointly accountable for outcomes.

I was once advising a leadership team on a large acquisition years ago. Over Xmas, the business owner and CEO made the call to proceed and enter a binding heads of agreement. The CFO and Legal Counsel were cut out of the decision because they were on leave and weren't contacted.

On returning, one of the leaders decided to hand in their resignation because the acquisition meant serious financial and legal risks had been accepted without their input. Their trust had been breached beyond repair.

When we feel cut out, our instinct is to race to self protection. Most of the time these instincts kick in automatically.

Inclusion in decisions that affect us isn’t about needing control, it’s about needing respect and trust. It says: You matter here. And that makes it safe to stay and play. It’s foundational to collaborative success.

People will accept losing an argument on something that matters, but they won't accept never having one.

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